There's No Place Like Home

So, I spent the week in NH for a theatre conference. I was so excited to come back up -- just 3 weeks after I moved away as it would be a great chance for me to see my mom and friends and originally the now-ex would come up to the hotel for that kind of sex you can only get when you don't have to clean the room or sheets yourself. Instead, I learned that age old lesson - you can't go home again.

Each day at the conference I was busy going to workshops and seeing performances but at night I was alone. Obviously I wasn't going to hang out with my students and without my kitties and stuff even the flatscreen TV couldn't keep my mind from wandering and my heart from aching. No man was going to come up -- even though I broke down and invited him up -- he said he had signed up for extra shifts since he thought he wouldn't be coming up -- okay, but God, I'm only an hour away -- like drive up and stay for a couple of hours and go home -- but no, not this guy -- he never could go out of his way or give me what I wanted -- esp. in the sack -- so one more disappointment from him. He said he'd call on Monday to talk about coming down to Newport -- but that's not what I wanted -- I wanted him here - in the hotel - in NH.

I also had plans for Saturday with a galpal of mine. We were super close and then her life started to break apart with stress at work and her fiance calling it off (tho they still live together - as roommates). I know I should cut her slack but I feel like I've been cutting her slack for 2 months now. She would tell me how people would drop her and she'd be hurt but I understand how they feel -- she's been completely unreliable and unavailable -- doesn't answer phone calls or texts or emails, doesn't show up for plans etc etc. Sure we had it out in December about this lack of consideration on her part but since then we've had plans 3 times and she hasn't made it twice. And today was time number 2. There was a very elaborate story and tears but still I waited and waited and didn't eat lunch and had to call twice and text before she called me to let me know what was going on.

Tomorrow I see another great friend of mine -- she's always there and on time but completely overscheduled with a boyfriend, high stress job and lots of friends. So, I know I'll see her tomorrow but it's not spontaneous ever with her -- she'll be there for me when we schedule it but not if I'm sad or lonely. Like being up here in NH but not really belonging here anymore has made me feel.

My life is now somewhere else but I'm not sure where yet.