Sometimes I wonder if I joined a university community or a kindergarten. Seriously, folks, why do people care about maintaining their petty fiefdoms? Ok, I'm 40 now and it's true, I've mellowed A LOT -- but I can still get riled about stuff as much as the next person -- just the stuff I now chose to get riled over isn't whether someone is taking work from me -- if you want to take parts of my job feel free I've got a full in-box sitting right here with something else to occupy my time.
Small people who tie up our minds, time and hearts with their tantrums just eat away at my soul. I feel exhausted -- like need medication exhausted. I work hard. Damn hard. I'm not trying to take credit for something you've done, or step on your toes, or take over the universe. I'm just trying to accomplish my to-do list and not get fired. Really those are my goals. Why are your goals to supervent me and gun for me trying to make me look bad?
Please don't use the word 'need' in emails to me as in: "You need to do such and such". Yeah, no I don't. And I learned way back in my first job when I was a mere 24 years old at Easter Seals that you never say that to another adult. (I got my head handed to me on a collections call when I told a woman she needed to make her payment -- word choice can get you the world or slam the door shut).
I'm trying to play nice. Let's face it for an only child who has been told her whole life that she's selfish (and the ex added the b word to that adjective regularly) this has been a journey -- one that I'm still on -- but I try to share, be inclusive, and take a deep breath before I speak. How about you try the same?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sooo sleepy
Ok - I don't think I could be more tired. Ok, ok, I know I could but right now I'm damn near exhausted. Stressed for sure as the more I try to do here the more road blocks I run up against. Also, I feel like every day I get an email asking me for a major project -- 3 year plan, departmental assessment document, job description for staff etc etc etc. I'm not sure when I'm going to do any of this and unlike most of the other folks on the east coast, I'm actually hoping for another snow day -- I actually got work done on the day Salve closed early and I could go home and sit on the couch with kitties. Maybe the constant phone ringing, dance studio noise and meetings are cutting into my powers of concentration -- in fact I think they are actually krytonite to those particular powers.
Don't really want to complain -- I've got a super job and I love it. But when you have five meetings just to get online ticketing approved I feel like my time is seriously being wasted. Especially with the spector of the 3 year plan, departmental assessment and staff job descriptions hanging over me. Time for me to figure out how to budget my time a bit better (I know, I know -- should I really be blogging right now?) but sometimes I need to go to the gym, and see a movie and watch Chelsea Lately. Those are the things that keep me (somewhat) sane.
Don't really want to complain -- I've got a super job and I love it. But when you have five meetings just to get online ticketing approved I feel like my time is seriously being wasted. Especially with the spector of the 3 year plan, departmental assessment and staff job descriptions hanging over me. Time for me to figure out how to budget my time a bit better (I know, I know -- should I really be blogging right now?) but sometimes I need to go to the gym, and see a movie and watch Chelsea Lately. Those are the things that keep me (somewhat) sane.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Exhausted by Thursday
Another long week in Newport and it's only Thursday. I guess it's good that I don't have a boyfriend or kids 'cuz there's no way I'd have any energy for them. Everyday at work is exhausting - so many meetings, so many landmines to avoid, so much to tinker with, remember, look-up, teach, plan, read . . . AHHHH
I'm doing good work. I know that. Sometimes I get scared - am I smart enough? Good enough? After all I went from adjunct teaching to full-time one person department. I never had to think about curriculum and now I'm overhauling it. Am I really ready for this? I ask myself this every day. I love this job. I need this job. And I'm really trying at this job so hopefully I'll still have this job when my contract expires -- but yes, I think about the fact that this life has an expiration date -- obviously I need to be enjoying today but it's hard to enjoy anything when I realize how much more I have to do and how much more is expected of me.
I joked before I started this job that as long as I don't burn the place down I will have succeeded. Now I don't feel that way - now I'm really invested - in the kids, in the future of the organization and in the department. I have employees and students that it's my job to help - every day - yeah, I need a nap!
Held auditions for the spring play (talk about pressure!) this week. Cast the show from the 22 kids who showed up - including my two leads who I've been warned about -- I've never been one to listen to someone else's opinion or judge someone for the life they lead off the stage -- I just hope I haven't created even more problems for myself. Only time will tell, of course, and they were the right students to cast so with this intell hopefully I'll be able to avoid problems.
Off again this weekend for NH - this time for the annual theatre awards. Hopefully next weekend I can finally spend time in my new hometown and see some sights. I think a little sight seeing might just be the jolt I need to feel better and not so stressed about everything.
I'm doing good work. I know that. Sometimes I get scared - am I smart enough? Good enough? After all I went from adjunct teaching to full-time one person department. I never had to think about curriculum and now I'm overhauling it. Am I really ready for this? I ask myself this every day. I love this job. I need this job. And I'm really trying at this job so hopefully I'll still have this job when my contract expires -- but yes, I think about the fact that this life has an expiration date -- obviously I need to be enjoying today but it's hard to enjoy anything when I realize how much more I have to do and how much more is expected of me.
I joked before I started this job that as long as I don't burn the place down I will have succeeded. Now I don't feel that way - now I'm really invested - in the kids, in the future of the organization and in the department. I have employees and students that it's my job to help - every day - yeah, I need a nap!
Held auditions for the spring play (talk about pressure!) this week. Cast the show from the 22 kids who showed up - including my two leads who I've been warned about -- I've never been one to listen to someone else's opinion or judge someone for the life they lead off the stage -- I just hope I haven't created even more problems for myself. Only time will tell, of course, and they were the right students to cast so with this intell hopefully I'll be able to avoid problems.
Off again this weekend for NH - this time for the annual theatre awards. Hopefully next weekend I can finally spend time in my new hometown and see some sights. I think a little sight seeing might just be the jolt I need to feel better and not so stressed about everything.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
There's No Place Like Home
So, I spent the week in NH for a theatre conference. I was so excited to come back up -- just 3 weeks after I moved away as it would be a great chance for me to see my mom and friends and originally the now-ex would come up to the hotel for that kind of sex you can only get when you don't have to clean the room or sheets yourself. Instead, I learned that age old lesson - you can't go home again.
Each day at the conference I was busy going to workshops and seeing performances but at night I was alone. Obviously I wasn't going to hang out with my students and without my kitties and stuff even the flatscreen TV couldn't keep my mind from wandering and my heart from aching. No man was going to come up -- even though I broke down and invited him up -- he said he had signed up for extra shifts since he thought he wouldn't be coming up -- okay, but God, I'm only an hour away -- like drive up and stay for a couple of hours and go home -- but no, not this guy -- he never could go out of his way or give me what I wanted -- esp. in the sack -- so one more disappointment from him. He said he'd call on Monday to talk about coming down to Newport -- but that's not what I wanted -- I wanted him here - in the hotel - in NH.
I also had plans for Saturday with a galpal of mine. We were super close and then her life started to break apart with stress at work and her fiance calling it off (tho they still live together - as roommates). I know I should cut her slack but I feel like I've been cutting her slack for 2 months now. She would tell me how people would drop her and she'd be hurt but I understand how they feel -- she's been completely unreliable and unavailable -- doesn't answer phone calls or texts or emails, doesn't show up for plans etc etc. Sure we had it out in December about this lack of consideration on her part but since then we've had plans 3 times and she hasn't made it twice. And today was time number 2. There was a very elaborate story and tears but still I waited and waited and didn't eat lunch and had to call twice and text before she called me to let me know what was going on.
Tomorrow I see another great friend of mine -- she's always there and on time but completely overscheduled with a boyfriend, high stress job and lots of friends. So, I know I'll see her tomorrow but it's not spontaneous ever with her -- she'll be there for me when we schedule it but not if I'm sad or lonely. Like being up here in NH but not really belonging here anymore has made me feel.
My life is now somewhere else but I'm not sure where yet.
Each day at the conference I was busy going to workshops and seeing performances but at night I was alone. Obviously I wasn't going to hang out with my students and without my kitties and stuff even the flatscreen TV couldn't keep my mind from wandering and my heart from aching. No man was going to come up -- even though I broke down and invited him up -- he said he had signed up for extra shifts since he thought he wouldn't be coming up -- okay, but God, I'm only an hour away -- like drive up and stay for a couple of hours and go home -- but no, not this guy -- he never could go out of his way or give me what I wanted -- esp. in the sack -- so one more disappointment from him. He said he'd call on Monday to talk about coming down to Newport -- but that's not what I wanted -- I wanted him here - in the hotel - in NH.
I also had plans for Saturday with a galpal of mine. We were super close and then her life started to break apart with stress at work and her fiance calling it off (tho they still live together - as roommates). I know I should cut her slack but I feel like I've been cutting her slack for 2 months now. She would tell me how people would drop her and she'd be hurt but I understand how they feel -- she's been completely unreliable and unavailable -- doesn't answer phone calls or texts or emails, doesn't show up for plans etc etc. Sure we had it out in December about this lack of consideration on her part but since then we've had plans 3 times and she hasn't made it twice. And today was time number 2. There was a very elaborate story and tears but still I waited and waited and didn't eat lunch and had to call twice and text before she called me to let me know what was going on.
Tomorrow I see another great friend of mine -- she's always there and on time but completely overscheduled with a boyfriend, high stress job and lots of friends. So, I know I'll see her tomorrow but it's not spontaneous ever with her -- she'll be there for me when we schedule it but not if I'm sad or lonely. Like being up here in NH but not really belonging here anymore has made me feel.
My life is now somewhere else but I'm not sure where yet.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Staying in on a Saturday Night
Actually got to spend some time in Newport this weekend - just chillin' And that's what I did. I was basically a coach potato all weekend. Sure it was free yoga weekend so I did a yoga and pilates class and can feel my abs for the first time in weeks but other than that . . .
My favorite point of the weekend was walking down Thames Street and running into my Newport friend Charles. He is the Special Events Mgr at the Int'l Tennis Hall of Fame and sought me out on Facebook. We had drinks my first week in town to get to know each other as we'll be working together closely once the Casino Theatre gets up and running. I like him -- he's funny and seems really nice. It feels like a really small town when you see the one person you know dropping off his laundry on a Saturday afternoon.
But then I went home and crashed. That Tom Stoppard - he's like a sleeping pill, man -- and I had my phone off because I'm ducking calls from my old landlord (she called me at 7AM the other day -- I mean, really??). I thought Charles was going to email me about a planned dinner party at his place -- this was supposed to happen last weekend and was cancelled via Facebook and when I saw him at 2pm he didn't say anything about it so I thought it might not happen again. I checked my email at 5:30 and saw nothing so settled in for my Stoppard induced coma. When I woke up a little before 7 I saw that Charles had actually texted me at 5 with his address and a time. Oops! It's now 7 and I haven't showered and I'm in one of those moods I get when it's dark and cold and I'm tired and lonely -- oh, yea, it's called self-pity. So, I texted him back and cancelled.
I know I should've gone and I hope it won't be my only opportunity to hang out with him and meet other local folks. Sometimes my only-child I want to be alone tendencies are detrimental to my social life but I've been so busy since I got here -- working, working, working that on my one free night I just wanted to hang in. I'm not sure why I feel so guilty about that.
My favorite point of the weekend was walking down Thames Street and running into my Newport friend Charles. He is the Special Events Mgr at the Int'l Tennis Hall of Fame and sought me out on Facebook. We had drinks my first week in town to get to know each other as we'll be working together closely once the Casino Theatre gets up and running. I like him -- he's funny and seems really nice. It feels like a really small town when you see the one person you know dropping off his laundry on a Saturday afternoon.
But then I went home and crashed. That Tom Stoppard - he's like a sleeping pill, man -- and I had my phone off because I'm ducking calls from my old landlord (she called me at 7AM the other day -- I mean, really??). I thought Charles was going to email me about a planned dinner party at his place -- this was supposed to happen last weekend and was cancelled via Facebook and when I saw him at 2pm he didn't say anything about it so I thought it might not happen again. I checked my email at 5:30 and saw nothing so settled in for my Stoppard induced coma. When I woke up a little before 7 I saw that Charles had actually texted me at 5 with his address and a time. Oops! It's now 7 and I haven't showered and I'm in one of those moods I get when it's dark and cold and I'm tired and lonely -- oh, yea, it's called self-pity. So, I texted him back and cancelled.
I know I should've gone and I hope it won't be my only opportunity to hang out with him and meet other local folks. Sometimes my only-child I want to be alone tendencies are detrimental to my social life but I've been so busy since I got here -- working, working, working that on my one free night I just wanted to hang in. I'm not sure why I feel so guilty about that.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Calling the Expert
So I did something today I swore I would never do. I called my Ex#2. Back when we were together and living in a dream world where we would create theatre together and run the artistic world - we used to talk about the type of theatre we'd run -- not just the programs but the physical building. One of the many ironies of my new job is that I'm on the ground floor of renovating an old vaudeville house - and I'm not doing it with him.
This morning I'm freezing my ass off in the non-heated theatre sitting in on the weekly 9AM construction meeting. This is where the facility folks, the architects and any other interested parties (i.e. me) meet and discuss fire lanes, dumpsters, windows, door handles and today electricity. Should we pay $11,000 to upgrade from 750 amps to 1000 amps to the building which will give us 400 amps for the stage lighting as opposed to 200. And the decision must be made now - and I had no idea there was a decision to be made. The current tech guy who some people claim is a genius and some people claim doesn't know what he's talking about weighed in way back when and said 200 amps would be enough. Now he's not at this meeting so I can't ask why he would say this but I can only assume that he felt he had to say this to prove he's all for cost saving measures. Now that's not really the way I think -- I think if we need it, we pay for it and we dump something that's cosmetic.
But I'm an actor and director not a tech gal so I can't argue for one side or the other. So, I pull out my phone and text the one person who I trust will not only know the answer but be able to explain to me why in simple layman's terms: Ex#2. I can't reach him during the meeting and the money guy makes the decision that we'll go for the upgrade. But Ex#2 calls me later and I explain the dilemma and he clearly and patiently explains to me why we should do the upgrade while we're still in the building stage as opposed to five shows into our season. He's patient, logical, smart and folksy -- all the reasons I fell in love with him six years ago.
Surprisingly it's not painful. It's business. Sure for one minute during our phone call my mind starts to wander and I think, Should I ask him about his new baby girl? The one he didn't have with me. But I clear the thought from my mind, keep it professional and move on. It's what needed to be done and I did it. And I only had two or three handfuls of MMs afterwards to calm my nerves.
This morning I'm freezing my ass off in the non-heated theatre sitting in on the weekly 9AM construction meeting. This is where the facility folks, the architects and any other interested parties (i.e. me) meet and discuss fire lanes, dumpsters, windows, door handles and today electricity. Should we pay $11,000 to upgrade from 750 amps to 1000 amps to the building which will give us 400 amps for the stage lighting as opposed to 200. And the decision must be made now - and I had no idea there was a decision to be made. The current tech guy who some people claim is a genius and some people claim doesn't know what he's talking about weighed in way back when and said 200 amps would be enough. Now he's not at this meeting so I can't ask why he would say this but I can only assume that he felt he had to say this to prove he's all for cost saving measures. Now that's not really the way I think -- I think if we need it, we pay for it and we dump something that's cosmetic.
But I'm an actor and director not a tech gal so I can't argue for one side or the other. So, I pull out my phone and text the one person who I trust will not only know the answer but be able to explain to me why in simple layman's terms: Ex#2. I can't reach him during the meeting and the money guy makes the decision that we'll go for the upgrade. But Ex#2 calls me later and I explain the dilemma and he clearly and patiently explains to me why we should do the upgrade while we're still in the building stage as opposed to five shows into our season. He's patient, logical, smart and folksy -- all the reasons I fell in love with him six years ago.
Surprisingly it's not painful. It's business. Sure for one minute during our phone call my mind starts to wander and I think, Should I ask him about his new baby girl? The one he didn't have with me. But I clear the thought from my mind, keep it professional and move on. It's what needed to be done and I did it. And I only had two or three handfuls of MMs afterwards to calm my nerves.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Breaking Up is Hard to Do
So part of this starting over is Starting Over. I had "the talk" today with Sorta-boyfriend Guy. Now I have a headache that even large quantities of Diet Coke can't seem to cure.
About 12 years ago I was in a bar in Manchester, NH with my ex-boyfriend's sister (we're still good friends) and she introduced me to a guy she knew from high school. Hello! Tall, former football player, handsome, brown eyes -- all around dreamy. As another friend of mine said when she met him, "don't go for him - he's too good looking for you". Ouch. But, okay, there's some truth to that. I've never really felt like I deserved him -- even though besides looks he's never had all that much to bring to the party.
Back in the day when we 'dated' on and off for 5 years, he was always high and couldn't get it up. But did I mention he was hot? Eight years goes by and I see him in August at the most popular restaurant in Manchester. I'm having lunch on a Thursday with my mom and he's having lunch with his mom. It MUST be fate! I walk over - he's happy to see me -- he asks me three times if I'm married (my first two simple No's don't seem to satisfy him so I have to come clean - Divorced!) - then he takes my telephone number. Now I tell him that I left my phone at home that day so I won't get any phone messages. None the less by the time I get home at 9pm that night (after running my first 5k) he has called twice. So it begins . . . Again.
This time I have high hopes. He doesn't seem to smoke dope anymore. Can mostly get it up and calls me all the time. Except he's pretty clear that he doesn't want a girlfriend. Oh, and he lives at home with his mom, and he's in the middle of an awful custody battle for his 14-year old son, and he gets fired, and there's a bench warrant out for his dad due to all the back alimony he hasn't paid etc etc. Yeah, there's a lot going on. A lot. But for the first time in my life someone says to me, Thank you for being so patient.
Unfortunately my patience wore out. I'm 2 hours away now and I'm not sure what I'm holding on to. The dream of what could be? But it's just a dream. Mr. Sorta-boyfriend is never going to commit to me. I've never been The One for him. That's not an easy thing to think or say or type because I want to think I'm a great catch and I am but just not for him. Sure he said today that it's the timing and The One could walk by but he wouldn't reel her in but I don't buy it. It's that old line from When Harry Met Sally: "It's not that he didn't want to get married. It's that he didn't want to marry me." I have never been this guy's idea of Girlfriend.
So, finished that chapter and putting away that book. Again. Sure he said maybe we'd pick it back up in the future once things fall into place for him but come on - if we all waited til our lives were in order to fall in love we'd all be ordering personal size pan pizzas. And I'm really looking for someone who'll let me pick off their plate.
About 12 years ago I was in a bar in Manchester, NH with my ex-boyfriend's sister (we're still good friends) and she introduced me to a guy she knew from high school. Hello! Tall, former football player, handsome, brown eyes -- all around dreamy. As another friend of mine said when she met him, "don't go for him - he's too good looking for you". Ouch. But, okay, there's some truth to that. I've never really felt like I deserved him -- even though besides looks he's never had all that much to bring to the party.
Back in the day when we 'dated' on and off for 5 years, he was always high and couldn't get it up. But did I mention he was hot? Eight years goes by and I see him in August at the most popular restaurant in Manchester. I'm having lunch on a Thursday with my mom and he's having lunch with his mom. It MUST be fate! I walk over - he's happy to see me -- he asks me three times if I'm married (my first two simple No's don't seem to satisfy him so I have to come clean - Divorced!) - then he takes my telephone number. Now I tell him that I left my phone at home that day so I won't get any phone messages. None the less by the time I get home at 9pm that night (after running my first 5k) he has called twice. So it begins . . . Again.
This time I have high hopes. He doesn't seem to smoke dope anymore. Can mostly get it up and calls me all the time. Except he's pretty clear that he doesn't want a girlfriend. Oh, and he lives at home with his mom, and he's in the middle of an awful custody battle for his 14-year old son, and he gets fired, and there's a bench warrant out for his dad due to all the back alimony he hasn't paid etc etc. Yeah, there's a lot going on. A lot. But for the first time in my life someone says to me, Thank you for being so patient.
Unfortunately my patience wore out. I'm 2 hours away now and I'm not sure what I'm holding on to. The dream of what could be? But it's just a dream. Mr. Sorta-boyfriend is never going to commit to me. I've never been The One for him. That's not an easy thing to think or say or type because I want to think I'm a great catch and I am but just not for him. Sure he said today that it's the timing and The One could walk by but he wouldn't reel her in but I don't buy it. It's that old line from When Harry Met Sally: "It's not that he didn't want to get married. It's that he didn't want to marry me." I have never been this guy's idea of Girlfriend.
So, finished that chapter and putting away that book. Again. Sure he said maybe we'd pick it back up in the future once things fall into place for him but come on - if we all waited til our lives were in order to fall in love we'd all be ordering personal size pan pizzas. And I'm really looking for someone who'll let me pick off their plate.
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